What My Mom Got Right

And ode to my amazing mother on her birthday

I’ve seen a lot on social media recently about how to raise kids that stay close with their parents. We all want to raise emotionally intelligent kids, and the dream is to raise kids who want to stay close to us, right?

Well, today is my mom’s birthday.

And at 35, I still idolize. her. She’s still one of the first people I turn to when I need a listening ear, a hug, or a cheerleader.

This is my attempt to name some of what she did right:

She made me feel special without overindulging me.
I always knew I mattered deeply to her, but I was never led to believe the world revolved around me. She made me, along with my siblings, feel like we were the center of her universe, but not the center of the universe.

She celebrated me for who I was, not who I was supposed to be. I didn’t feel managed or molded. I felt seen and heard. And as I grew and changed, she stayed curious instead of clinging to an old version of me. I didn’t have to perform to keep her approval.

She made traditions and rituals part of our normal life. Okay, I have to give my dad credit for this one, too. But there were small, predictable things we did daily, weekly, or yearly, that made us feel connected. Of course, I didn’t realize this at the time, but looking back and knowing what I know now, I realize how important these were.

There were always rules in our house. Limits. Boundaries. Expectations. But I wouldn’t describe my mom as strict. The rules didn’t feel scary. They felt protective. Even when I disagreed with them, and I definitely did at the time, I felt safe inside them. Again, I may not have realized this at then, but I certainly see that now.

I was never more afraid of telling the truth than of getting in trouble. That feels important to name. I had friends who hid things from their parents, who avoided honesty at all costs. I never felt like I had to do that. Even when I knew my mom wouldn’t be happy, I knew she would help. She was the person I went to, not the person I ran from.

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There are also things she didn’t do, which mattered just as much.

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I never felt responsible for her happiness or emotional wellbeing. She didn’t talk negatively about herself in front of me or make comments about my body or appearance that tied my worth to how I looked. Compliments existed, but they weren’t the foundation of how she saw me.

She didn’t overshare adult worries or make us carry things that weren’t ours to hold. She didn’t compete with us. She didn’t confuse closeness with control.

Looking back, I think what she gave us was a deep sense of safety, especially emotional safety. She made us feel seen, important, special, and loved, but still kept us grounded, held limits and boundaries, and helped us find independence while always knowing she was right behind us, or next to us when we needed her.

There’s no such thing as a perfect parent, and I’m sure there are things my mom wishes she did differently. But to me, she was the best mom in the world and I feel so lucky to have been raised by her. And now I get to watch my kids feel that same warmth and steadiness with her as their Meme.

Happy birthday, Mom! Lumeme.